Jim's doodleblog

Reviews of films I watched several years ago

2012-01-28T22:59:00.002Z

The Usual Suspects

So there's this police line-up and the deal is they've rounded up these guys because they're 'the usual suspects' and so they're interrogating the disabled guy because, get it, there was this total massacre on a boat but then the disabled guy goes to the other guys and says "this is bullshenanigans, we should totally start some mayhem and get our own back." So they all go out and torch a cop car, and then they decide to take things to the next level so they go to this other guy in a car park who tells them they gots to blow stuff up. But in the meanwhile, one of the guys gets killed and they're like "oh no, maybe it was the big bad guy he was talking about before" so they decide to get him first before he can get them first. But it doesn't work, because it turned out this bald lawyer guy played a trick on all of them so they have to let the disabled guy go from the police station but GUESS WHAT: looks like the joke's on them because some of the criminals had the same names as the things on the notice board which means it was an inside job.

Score: 3 and a 1/2 stars

Mission Impossible

Tom Hanks plays special agent Ethan "Impossible" Frome, who has just lost his entire crew in a botched operation in an old city, where the entire crew got lost because of a mistake in a lift shaft. So Ethan has no choice but to assemble a new crew, and after a failed attempt to trick the criminal mastermind behind the last problem they go to the secret government building to steal the secret file from out of the secret computer. This can only be done by hanging in from the roof - the titular "mission impossible". But they do it anyway because that's just how they do, and afterwards some business where they argue over who gets to keep the disk. Finally they are chased down a train tunnel with a helicopter where they encounter Mr Big: namely, David Schneider from out of Saturday Night Armistice. That's a red herring though: in the end it turns out the real bad guy was wearing a rubber mask, but guess what? SO WAS ETHAN, so looks like the last laugh is on the side of IMF: the International Monetary Fund.

Also, he blows up a huge fishtank with some dual-flavour chewing gum that explodes when the flavours are mixed, but surely they are joined together in the middle anyway? This glaring continuity fault mars an otherwise perfectly coherent plot and must therefore impact on the final score.

Score: 6/10 out of ten

Blind Shaft

It's a sequel to the 70's blaxploitation film. Shaft's fallen upon hard times and has pretty much lost his vision working down a mine. He's reduced to trying to get rich quick through some kind of insurance scam, it's kind of sad. Actually, I'm not really sure whether I ever really watched this one or not? It's all a bit hazy. Anyway: CINEMATIC CLASSIC.

Score: A 100% percent

Against a drab background

2011-12-29T18:32:00.005Z

The image size limits on Blogger are really getting to be a thorn in my side. Here's a hotlink to the full image on my DeviantArt account which I have for some reason.

Kanaya: Mental breakdown.

2011-12-03T22:34:00.003Z

It's getting to that point in the year when I don't seem to draw very much. Or... even less. To tide you over, here's a joke that will only make sense if you read Homestuck, and will still seem kind of trite and obvious in that case.

Nor the years condemn

2011-11-11T11:11:00.001Z

(This is an old one - November 1999, or thereabouts.)

No, Grover. You are the monsters.

2011-11-04T00:06:00.003Z

The deleted original ending to The Monster At The End Of This Book:(The likelihood that someone has already done this joke is so great that I'm not even going to go and check.)

Palemates 4 Lyfe

2011-10-21T00:16:00.002+01:00

Don't spend it all in one place

2011-10-17T22:12:00.000+01:00

continued...

Occasionally you would be prompted to draw anything you like, in order to start a new chain of drawings. These are some of the things I drew. None of them got a response from any other user, and were thus forgotten forever. I cannot account for why this should be.

Chicka-ba goom wap mace?

2011-10-16T23:55:00.001+01:00

I've not been doing any proper drawing but have recently spent some time on Doodle Or Die. This is a web site where one person draws something, the next person tries to describe it, another person tries to draw that, and so on and so forth until somebody draws something racist (because THE INTERNET, that's why).

I felt like preserving some of my doodles for posterity (let's face it, if I don't then nobody will.) The text shows what I had been prompted to draw in each case.

The All-Seeing-Eye stares darkly at our friend, The Lone Indian, while he paddles in his canoe through the bleak and desolate sea.

Weeaboo!

spaghetti on tshirt

Wizard in rainbow cloak and hat saying "Fuck that shit" (really well drawn)

hungover harry potter can't read this stupid script anymore

A daisy flower noms 2 am chilli.

Baby satan

Pirate fail.

parp, parp, that's the sound of the police

Sorry for stealing your shirt bro, I didn't know you had that problem with your body.

A clueless box owl

Zombie crying because he is all alone

untrustworthy looking critter

title says it all

guy takes another guys heart

Lazy 4chan meme

And they'll crucify you and then they'll say 'good luck'

2011-09-10T20:32:00.004+01:00

This is closer to my original intention. Except for the A Softer World vibe; I'm not quite sure where that came from.

Guest post: something about pans?

2011-08-24T23:03:00.002+01:00

My friend David recently completed an intensive 4-week TEFL course. He passed the course, but unfortunately in the process his mind went. The tragic consequences are shown here below.

Largley untranscribable

2011-08-18T20:15:00.003+01:00

In the absence of anything more substantial, here is a doodle from a recent meeting. It is Doug Rattmann, from the annoyingly-retconned story of Portal.

Injuries I Have Narrowly Avoided, episode four

2011-08-07T00:54:00.003+01:00

Venue: Beeston, 1st January 2006.

I'd buy that for a dollar

2011-07-20T21:25:00.003+01:00

Once an artist has mastered the forms of their chosen medium, he or she becomes free to subvert them by producing work that, viewed out of context, would appear objectively to fail on a technical level. It's just a shame I haven't reached that point, because it'd make it a lot easier to get away with stuff like this.

No-one knows these things but me and him

2011-07-07T22:11:00.000+01:00

I want to discredit this trope. Is it really just me? Nobody does this.

Beiherhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gersput

2011-07-02T20:51:00.004+01:00

Seriously, how many times had they already searched that farmhouse?

No good or bad deed

2011-06-27T23:14:00.002+01:00

Kismesis

2011-06-22T20:28:00.000+01:00

To devotees of both Mr Show and MS Paint Adventures: this one's for you.

To everyone (else): please move along.

Advanced 80s action techniques

2011-06-19T21:51:00.001+01:00

Awareness of one's own limitations

2011-06-12T11:57:00.003+01:00

Reckless deployment of spoilers

2011-06-06T23:54:00.004+01:00

You should probably watch the first series of The Wire before reading this. I mean, you should probably watch the first series of The Wire even if you're not going to read this (that's actually a better idea.)
(Also, you should probably grow up in the UK, Australia, Holland, Poland, Brazil, South Africa, Portugal or Spain before having read this.)

The soul of brevity

2011-06-03T19:28:00.002+01:00

Not pictured: universal critical indifference

2011-05-26T22:21:00.002+01:00

Told you I'd do it and I did it too.

Normal service will resume.

Social Conventions Bob

2011-04-27T22:30:00.004+01:00

FUN FACT: I was convinced I'd already uploaded this last year, but apparently not? END OF FUN FACT.

Like the exact opposite of ants

2011-04-18T21:02:00.000+01:00

There's a little room for ambiguity in the comic, so I'd just like to take this opportunity to make it absolutely clear that they all died.

Zero repercussions guaranteed

2011-04-12T18:24:00.000+01:00

"At least as good as XKCD" - anonymous reviewer*

*may have been me

How is a mouse when it spins?

2011-04-11T20:33:00.003+01:00

Arguably less offensive than the Dambusters

2011-04-08T20:00:00.003+01:00

Or chocolate if you're strange; it doesn't really matter

2011-04-05T23:33:00.000+01:00

This work was commissioned by my friend Kieran; I therefore ask that you please direct all complaints to him.

Injuries I Have Narrowly Avoided, episode three

2011-03-31T20:52:00.001+01:00

Venue: Leigham Court Hotel, 2006.

#comedyforum, 22/07/2006

[SolidJim] I broke a hotel TV last week.
[jmwilliams] ah ha ha ha.
[jmwilliams] mmm, go on.
[SolidJim] I said to the manager, "Sorry, I've broken the TV, but I will be happy to replace it."
[jmwilliams] you did not! goodness me.
[jmwilliams] do go on.
[SolidJim] She said, "Are you any good at decoding electromagnetic signals and displaying images?"
[jmwilliams] a likely story!
[SolidJim] That's the punchline.
[jmwilliams] but continue.
[SolidJim] That was the punchline.
[Phil_A] Did you replace the TV?

With some fava beans and oh, you fill in the rest

2011-03-28T20:57:00.003+01:00

I realise this isn't particularly good, but you have to understand there is a very limited window of topicality here.

Trapped inside the dream forever... fufufufufufu

2011-03-26T19:13:00.000Z

Welcome to the internet, where Inception references are considered acceptable in lieu of actual jokes.

An increasingly prevalent phenomenon

2011-03-20T18:50:00.003Z

Paleontochronology

2011-03-14T23:20:00.004Z

This has taken me at least two years to finish.

I should emphasize that I wasn't working on it all that time; I'm just so indolent I waited a year in between drawing each bit.

September'lnth

2011-03-06T00:41:00.002Z

It's against the law! AND I DON'T LIKE IT

2011-03-01T21:47:00.000Z

Compare and contrast. Region 1 DVDs are just more exciting.

To a tunnel of its own

2011-02-18T22:35:00.000Z

(It's my lucky 200th post. As per tradition, I am celebrating this arbitrary milestone by posting a comic from seven years ago.)

KS1 Doublethink

2011-02-14T18:57:00.003Z

Part 2 in an occasional series.

Update (11/06/2011): I was just going through my archives and have discovered documentary evidence proving that this, and by extension everything else I have ever drawn, is based on actual events.

Möbius Battenberg

2011-02-11T19:10:00.003Z

I want the world's bakers to get to work on this; I don't care if it's topologically impossible. Impossible is not a word in my dictionary. (Although for some reason, topology is.)

For my next trick I intend to design a cake that extends into five dimensions. People will die.

GTA 4unnies

2011-01-30T21:02:00.005Z

A brief history of chess

2011-01-24T22:29:00.002Z

Les Enfants Miserables

2011-01-21T22:18:00.002Z

Much later:

From now on all of my comics will consist of nitpicking about obscure plot points in decade-old video games. I really feel that this is my strongest material and will lead to commercial success.

"Gotcha, suckers!"

2011-01-14T21:44:00.003Z

Warning: The following comic contains a spoiler for Heavy Rain. Yes, that's right. I am now reduced to drawing comics about games I do not own but have watched somebody else play on the internet. Also I had to spend longer than I care to admit recompositing the final panel with digital trickery, because it turns out that after 28 years I still can't draw. Anyway, that's enough spoiler space.

Supplemental warning: Do not buy Heavy Rain. Instead, watch somebody else play it on the internet.

Sketch dumping facility

2010-12-23T00:33:00.004Z

Ought ten is drawing to its inevitable close and I have some leftover doodles which do not belong anywhere else. They are presented here for the sake of completeness. Join me next year when I will be scanning all the random biro squiggles on my work post-it notes and systematically publishing them to universal critical indifference.

The joke here is not the same joke it was going to be when I started out.

Your name is GONBIR STUSIM. You recently left your HIVE for personal reasons and now reside in a SHABBY HOLE IN THE GROUND. You have no HOBBIES as such but enjoy loafing around the place and doing NOTHING MUCH. Your apathy is such that your BELONGINGS still mostly reside in the TEMPORARY STORAGE RECEPTACLES you used during the move. These are strewn randomly about in such a way to prove an occasional nuisance, partly to you but mainly to your LUSUS, which being a GIANT BLIND CATERPILLAR is not adjusting all that well to the move, tending to BUMP INTO THINGS and generally struggle to navigate.

You avoid contact with the outside world wherever possible, although with some persistence acquaintances are often able to occasion a BEGRUDGING RESPONSE. You are basically a TWO-MINUTE DOODLE who does not in any way warrant such a WALL OF TEXT; furthermore, you are doomed to perish soon in an EXTINCTION-LEVEL EVENT.

Your trolltag is biographicallyHazy and you are by habit a troll of few words.

True story; happened to a friend of mine.

317 extraneous characters

2010-11-27T23:53:00.002Z

"Does he live underwater?"

2010-10-31T22:27:00.001Z

Solid Bro and Hella Otacon

2010-10-13T22:24:00.005+01:00

Solid Bro and Hella Otacon
Will find some guns and shoot some things
Solid Bro and Hella Otacon
The stealth keeps happening

with their token black friend, Peter Stillman

Four years well spent

2010-10-02T20:16:00.002+01:00

Ecumenical antics with Benedict & Rowan

2010-09-21T22:24:00.004+01:00

This comic brought to you in the style of THE INTERNET.

Dumbing down

2010-09-02T23:20:00.003+01:00

I suppose I could get a ruler for drawing the panel borders. If I were made of money.

Profound insight, circa 2005

2010-08-03T22:46:00.003+01:00

Two can play at that game, smart guy

2010-07-02T19:21:00.004+01:00

On the burning deck

2010-06-11T19:45:00.001+01:00

In memory of the Chainsaw Massacre game mode in Left 4 Dead 2.

Never forget

Have you ever heard of a wish sandwich?

2010-06-07T12:18:00.005+01:00

Yeah, the punchline doesn't really make sense. Draw a better one here.

Development hell

2010-05-20T22:13:00.004+01:00

Why yes, I genuinely believe the splash screens are added early on in the development process. Why do you ask?

Inner ring road blues

2010-05-13T21:48:00.003+01:00

Just look it up on Google; I had to use Google to write it. This is not how comedy works.

Aquaman reference goes here

2010-05-09T00:53:00.003+01:00

Democracy inaction

2010-05-04T22:21:00.003+01:00

True tales from the streets of Los Santos

2010-04-27T20:25:00.005+01:00

NB: I actually drew this last year, but declined to post it for reasons of quality control. Still, with the passing of time my standards will only fall further.

A mature, measured response

2010-04-13T22:55:00.000+01:00

Not quite John Cusack, not quite Kevin Spacey

2010-04-07T23:17:00.003+01:00

Mega mob incoming!

2010-04-03T16:15:00.003+01:00

History week: epilogue

2010-03-22T12:00:00.001Z

History week, week two: Bonus material

2010-03-19T18:00:00.002Z

1995

This joke has to have been copied from somewhere, but it's gratifying to know I've always considered Batman the superhero with the most comedy potential.

My school books were dense with the doodlings of whatever computer game I happened to be playing at the time. This is the only one I am including on account of it being freaking awesome.

History week, week two: Virtual reality

2010-03-18T18:00:00.003Z

1997(?)

History week, week two: Contempt for cartoon elephants

2010-03-17T18:00:00.002Z

1994

History week, week two: Perilous Pete

2010-03-16T18:00:00.002Z

1993(?)

History week, week two: Ancient history

2010-03-15T18:00:00.007Z

1990

History week: Dark genesis

2010-03-12T18:00:00.002Z

1999

thus
and thence
and that is how I came to have this username. Nice going, 11-years-ago me.

History week: Wrath of the gods

2010-03-11T18:00:00.000Z

1999

History week: Sectarian violence

2010-03-10T18:00:00.000Z

1999

History week: Dr Pepper

2010-03-09T18:00:00.000Z

1997

History week: Weather

2010-03-08T18:00:00.000Z

1995

History week: introduction

2010-03-05T22:51:00.000Z

Shamelessly ripped off from Kate Beaton.

Endless corridors, hopeless warriors

2010-03-01T19:33:00.001Z

Okay my Spanish Galleons

2010-02-20T13:48:00.003Z

Who said I can't write women because I totally can write women

The B stands for Be

2010-02-04T21:38:00.002Z

I have the perfect joke lined up for if I ever have to introduce someone called Gareth to someone called Ross to someone called Glen. I am prepared to wait.

Injuries I Have Narrowly Avoided, episode two

2010-02-01T14:49:00.000Z

Venue: Mansfield Road, 2000.

Children of Men deleted scene #17a

2010-01-23T22:11:00.002Z

Medulla oblongata, what a wonderful phrase

2010-01-06T00:01:00.003Z

This of good quality fain comic

2009-12-24T22:17:00.003Z

I am going to go back and add explosions to the end of all of my comics.

Injuries I Have Narrowly Avoided, episode one

2009-12-05T00:42:00.004Z

Venue: Student union, circa 2003.

I can't do the accent

2009-12-01T23:07:00.004Z

I'll help you out: it's a sequel to an earlier comic.

That didn't help, did it

Looks like we got a comedian here

2009-11-28T14:23:00.003Z

A Stealthy Manoeuvre

2009-10-17T17:34:00.004+01:00

From now on I am only going to draw my dreams, because I no longer have time to think while I am awake.

For a slightly better comic, try obscuring the last three frames

Spychology: lesson 3

2009-09-07T23:19:00.005+01:00

"That dude got ice water runnin' in his muthalovin' veins."

- Natt "the Hat" Walls, Hitman #32

Spychology: lesson 2

2009-09-01T22:15:00.000+01:00

Pity me, for when I drew this a couple of weeks ago, it made sense. But between then and now, they have changed the game mechanics so that it doesn't. So must all art pass eventually into obscurity, too far removed from the context of its time.

Spychology: lesson 1

2009-08-26T22:39:00.003+01:00

Meanwhile, in some Lovecraftian pocket dimension

2009-08-04T00:39:00.002+01:00

Some people just have zero tolerance for survival horror game mechanics. On an unrelated note, I heard that if you have to explain a joke then that means it's not funny.

One of these frames was drawn several weeks after the others, can you guess

I intend to pay you for your idea

2009-08-02T18:54:00.003+01:00

You know those times when I post something solely to motivate myself to draw more stuff, in order to get it the hell off the front page? This is one of those times.

Otoshigo!?

2009-08-01T01:14:00.003+01:00

While I fritter my spare time working on another three page comic which delivers exactly one paper-thin joke, here's one of those spooky girls which seem so popular. You know, like a normal girl, only spooky. It's like, you've still got 87% health and you're near the mission objective, but you just know if you shoot the girl then you're going to get in all kinds of trouble. Sure she's being spooky and all, but you think that's going to cut any ice with the police? The parents? The media? No doubt about it, you are in something of a predicament.

Yuri's Revenge

2009-07-11T14:58:00.006+01:00

Commercially unsuccessful superhero comics

2009-07-02T17:23:00.000+01:00

Always remember, if the joke you're making seems obvious, don't Google it.

Phoenix Wright for the lonely (parte finale)

2009-06-23T22:22:00.005+01:00

Let's just move swiftly on before the mindboggling ethical pitfalls begin to sink in.

Based on eyewitness accounts

2009-06-16T19:57:00.002+01:00

I wasn't going to post this, because I didn't think it was particularly good; but then I realised I was being inconsistent to the point of hypocrisy.

Writer on board

2009-06-09T22:10:00.006+01:00

Frames from a short film

2009-05-30T18:08:00.002+01:00

Only ten years too late

2009-05-03T22:11:00.002+01:00

I'm beginning to suspect that using "TEH MATRICKS" as a wireless network ID is never going to get old.

The adventures of Stlunky

2009-04-19T12:18:00.002+01:00

I drew this a few years ago when I used to work in a call centre for two weeks. You are welcome to analyse it and draw conclusions as to my mental state at that time. I await your findings with interest.

The Boxer

2009-04-10T00:03:00.007+01:00

"In the clearing stands a boxer, and a fighter by his trade
And he carries the reminders of every glove that laid him down
Or cut him 'til he cried out, in his anger and his shame
'I am leaving, I am leaving'
But the fighter still remains."

Adventures in Space!™

2009-04-05T23:57:00.003+01:00