Reviews of films I watched several years ago

The Usual Suspects

So there's this police line-up and the deal is they've rounded up these guys because they're 'the usual suspects' and so they're interrogating the disabled guy because, get it, there was this total massacre on a boat but then the disabled guy goes to the other guys and says "this is bullshenanigans, we should totally start some mayhem and get our own back." So they all go out and torch a cop car, and then they decide to take things to the next level so they go to this other guy in a car park who tells them they gots to blow stuff up. But in the meanwhile, one of the guys gets killed and they're like "oh no, maybe it was the big bad guy he was talking about before" so they decide to get him first before he can get them first. But it doesn't work, because it turned out this bald lawyer guy played a trick on all of them so they have to let the disabled guy go from the police station but GUESS WHAT: looks like the joke's on them because some of the criminals had the same names as the things on the notice board which means it was an inside job.

Score: 3 and a 1/2 stars

Mission Impossible

Tom Hanks plays special agent Ethan "Impossible" Frome, who has just lost his entire crew in a botched operation in an old city, where the entire crew got lost because of a mistake in a lift shaft. So Ethan has no choice but to assemble a new crew, and after a failed attempt to trick the criminal mastermind behind the last problem they go to the secret government building to steal the secret file from out of the secret computer. This can only be done by hanging in from the roof - the titular "mission impossible". But they do it anyway because that's just how they do, and afterwards some business where they argue over who gets to keep the disk. Finally they are chased down a train tunnel with a helicopter where they encounter Mr Big: namely, David Schneider from out of Saturday Night Armistice. That's a red herring though: in the end it turns out the real bad guy was wearing a rubber mask, but guess what? SO WAS ETHAN, so looks like the last laugh is on the side of IMF: the International Monetary Fund.

Also, he blows up a huge fishtank with some dual-flavour chewing gum that explodes when the flavours are mixed, but surely they are joined together in the middle anyway? This glaring continuity fault mars an otherwise perfectly coherent plot and must therefore impact on the final score.

Score: 6/10 out of ten

Blind Shaft

It's a sequel to the 70's blaxploitation film. Shaft's fallen upon hard times and has pretty much lost his vision working down a mine. He's reduced to trying to get rich quick through some kind of insurance scam, it's kind of sad. Actually, I'm not really sure whether I ever really watched this one or not? It's all a bit hazy. Anyway: CINEMATIC CLASSIC.

Score: A 100% percent