Monday, April 30, 2007

Do you see, though? Do you see?

THAT ONE GUY in: 'Life on Deimos!' GUY: (THINKS) I wish I didn't have to wake up from that dream about the fit one from out of Hollyoaks. I bet I could have done a sex on her. ... GOD, this meeting's boring. I might as well KILL MYSELF. GUY: And I probably would have, but as luck would have it I dozed off a few minutes later. This time it was only the slightly less attractive one from out of Grange Hill, but I have to say... still TOTALLY worth the verbal warning. GIRL: No... it's definitely not as uplifting the way you tell it.I probably should stop harping on about this. It was mostly a good programme.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Only slightly autobiographical

Why is customer service so poor? - an explanation. *FIRST DAY* RECEPTIONIST: (It costs nothing to be civil.) Nice weather for ducks, eh? Anyway, here's your key! Glad you made it through the storm! CUSTOMER: (What... is she coming onto me?) RECEPTIONIST: I can tell you, I'm not looking forward to the walk home! CUSTOMER: (She's DEFINITELY coming onto me.) Okay. You know the room number. Give two short knocks and one long knock. *ALL SUBSEQUENT DAYS* RECEPTIONIST: Here's your key.I really can't stress this enough. (Oh, sorry I drew her all rubbish in the second and third panels. By the way.)

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Preserve the human race in Myspace for future generations

Hello to anyone who got here by following the link on the back of The Roads CD (ha! Ha ha! Ah, I delude myself. But seriously.) In fact those weren't the original covers; there was a time when the case would have looked like this:
THERE GOES THE SOUND. 1: Hear No Evil 2: Earlybird 3: Know You Better 4: Jack Frost 5: Means To An End 6: It Ain't MeI actually like these more, but never mind it. You can see a tidier version of the actual front cover here.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Know your market

'Assertiveness training' SHEEN: Stop LETTING yourself be a victim, you piece of SHIT! WOMAN: I'm *huhgh* sorry! SHEEN: The price has gone up. Make sure you bring £25 to next week's session. MAN: I... I don't, um... SHEEN: You need to keep coming back because you're still a LOSER. 'And the results can be seen in MONTHS!' WOMAN: I am nothing. Walk over me. 'Success! The student is able to issue clear instructions to colleagues.' STOP BEING SO PATHETIC - Why you are a total waste of space, and what to do about it, by 'Dr' Max SheenThe commercialisation of people skills marches on, but some people are never happy...
Mr T, I appreciate your concerns, but I'm sure you must realise that there is no T in team.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Works better than "free my mind," anyway

FLYING DREAM. Hey, this is fairly easy. The trick is to wilfully ignore the laws of thermodynamics. Something... for nothing! Something for nothing! It's that simple. Hey, I'll buzz the office! Ha, ha! I hope I can land without breaking my legs. *OOF* Now, how do I get down from here? *RING* Who's calling? 'Why aren't you at *work*?' Aagh!This story contains the key to my inner psyche. Presumably.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Mr Stevens: slight return

This weekend sees me feeling supremely uncreative, so here's some more stuff from many years ago.
'I sense you've taken a backward step, Mr Stevens...'Hey, nice interior! I should probably put that Mr Stevens story up some time. This, however, should remain firmly in the past:
MONKEY-WHELKING: ...the barbaric practice that must be stopped