Thursday, August 31, 2006

Petrol station blues

What's this? Actual new material? A cartoon actually drawn now, right now, specifically to post here? Done as best as I can, and it's still pretty much illegible? You'd better believe it.

CASHIER: Pump 3... that's £34.23, sir. GUY: It should be £34.22. CASHIER: Um... I'm sorry, but it's definitely £34.23, sir. GUY: It must have gone up after I left. CASHIER: ...That's really not possible. GUY: I mean I'm not being funny but you've put the price up. CASHIER: Could you please enter your PIN? GUY: You won't change it back? CASHIER: It was always this price! GUY: I mean, I'll pay it, but it seems a bit fishy. CASHIER: Look, why would we want ONE EXTRA PENNY off you? THANK you! Good bye. ME: (THINKS: Jeez, what an obnoxious moron! People like that shouldn't be allowed to shop. Or, you know, drive. Probably.) Just this, please. CASHIER: £14.99. ME: Here. Heh. Seems ridiculous, really. To fuss so much over a penny. CASHIER: Yeah, well, the pennies add up.What's the golden rule? Well, if you're me, the golden rule is never make eye contact with or speak to cashiers. The one time I forget the golden rule, what happens? This, that's what. Last time I forget the golden rule, you can be sure of that.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


I don't suffer from this particular condition, although I do find that I perceive things that I see as colours and shapes. Additionally, I hear in sounds. Weird, eh?

Jad Fair & Daniel Johnston - Sweet Loafed

-Daddy? -Yes, son? -Who is the father of all lies? -SATAN! SATAN! SATAN! -LAKE OF FIRE! LAKE OF FIRE!It should be "author of all lies". Whoops.

They Might Be Giants - Spiraling ShapePut out your hands and you fall through the window and clawing at nothing you drop through the void/ Your terrified screams are inaudible drowned in the spiral ahead and consumed in the shapeIt should be "Spiralling Shape". I reckon. (By the way, this is what I think of when I see the loading screen at the start of Day of the Tentacle. That's important; remember it.)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Monday, August 14, 2006

Jumping the shark

The problem with any job, and I learned this during my time as a supermarket automaton, is that people are always expecting you to be perfect. The disparity between expectation and reality is forever rearing its ugly head.OLD WOMAN: Excuse me, young man. Do these tins all have the same sell-by date? MATTHEW: I don't know, do I? Why do you think I would know that? What do I look like the FONZ or something? OLD WOMAN: I... MANAGER: Some kind of PROBLEM here, Matthew? MATTHEW: This lady seems to think I'm the FONZ. MANAGER: He's not the FONZ, madam. I think you'd better come with me, madam. OLD WOMAN: I... MANAGER: I think in future it would be better if you had somebody else do your shopping for you. OLD WOMAN: oh... MANAGER: I mean, the FONZ? What were you THINKING? OLD WOMAN: but...
You're not the Fonz. You're really not. Some people can learn to deal with this, while others can't.BOSS: Matthew. This aisle is a disgrace. I want you to keep it tidier. What... what are you doing? MATTHEW: *THUD* Just checking something. Give me a moment. *THUD* Hmm... Nope, turns out I'm just an ordinary human being. You must be wanting the FONZ. BOSS: Matthew, I don't think this is... MATTHEW: FONZARELLI IN AISLE EIGHT, PLEASE! FONZARELLI TO AISLE EIGHT! WE HAVE A PROBLEM! BOSS: (nngh)

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Found art

Some stuff I apparently didn't consider worth scanning at the time.

STICKMAN STORY. 1: 'HELLO' 2: 'HELP ME FROM THE DEMONS' 1: *SHOOT* DEMON: 'AWWK' 2: 'HOORAY HE SAVED ME' 1: 'NOW I WILL OPEN A BAR & GRILL' WORM: 'I'M NOT A REAL DOCTOR BUT THEY CALL ME DOCTOR WORM'I have absolutely no recollection of drawing this. It made me laugh.

Reservoir Dogs, only without Nice Guy Eddie because he lowers the tone with his rubbish tracksuit thing.Well, in fairness, that doesn't even look anything like Mr Orange. But it's not that bad, surely?

Friday, August 11, 2006

The Rapture

GIRL: HEY! BOY: Oh, hi. Uh, long time no see. GIRL: Yes, it is, isn't it? Anyway, AMAZING NEWS!! I've found JESUS!! BOY: Heh. Yeah? Where was he? GIRL: No, you don't get it! I've embraced the teachings of our Lord and embraced His healing gift of religion!! (SLAP) GIRL: I... I thought you'd be happy for me! BOY: So, do you go in for the whole 'turn the other cheek' thing? (CODA: Eight months previously) GIRL: I swear, these religious nutjobs give me a headache. BOY: Yeah, tell me about it. (THINKS: I am going to marry this girl. I mean, I don't actually believe in marriage. But still. One day I'm totally going to live in a squat with this girl in an open relationship or something.'s fate.)See if you can spot the CLEVER SYMBOLISM.

Found written beneath the original:
"Director's commentary: This was originally going to be a conversation between two guys. But then I realised it was a chance to combine my main two interests of Christ-bashing and misogyny! That then gave rise to the whole coda thing."

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Lucien P Smith means business

BOSS: Just focus, people. We've come this... ANDERSON: *cough cough* BOSS: Anderson, what's the matter? ANDERSON: It's... *hhMMM* it's this head cold, sir. I can't seem to shake it. *Hm* Um, sorry. BOSS: Not to worry. Happens to the best of us. You stay here; Wilson and I can close the deal. ANDERSON: Thanks a lot, sir. I should be... uh... what are you doing? BOSS: I'm sorry, Anderson. But if you can't remain competitive then you're useless to us. ANDERSON: But... BOSS: It's nothing personal. CAR: *PCHOUM* ANDERSON: AIIIIII RESPIR-EEZE: for effective relief. Because you don't want to be left dead in the water.BOSS: Now we NEED to wow them in the initial presentation if we're to... what's the matter? JANE: It's my contacts! I can't work on the figures any longer! BOSS: *sigh*'re dead in the water, Jane. JANE: What..? GUN: *THUD THUD THUD* JANE: *uch koff koff* BOSS: tch. I really thought she had potential. SOFTVECTOR™: Because you don't want to outlive your usefulness.Don't you hate it when you run a search for an obscure phrase and all you find is a blog post that has absolutely nothing to do with it?

These were drawn over a year apart, so please excuse any overlap in material. If they have taught me anything, it's that I totally should have a job coming up with names for products. (Actually, the second one is a joke name: since a vector is a straight line, it's not really appropriate for contact lenses. That's not very interesting and I should have kept it a secret.)

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Fear (presented in order of chronology)

The Gatekeeper"Inspired" "by"

Explodey face man?Ah, if only they'd had the budget. (Which film am I thinking of?)

Mr Blobby with a single row of razor sharp teethAAGH HE HAS A BARBECUE SAUSAGE FOR A MOUTH

(P.S: You were wrong. I was thinking of Baseketball.)

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Three cartoons linking women and violence

-(whistling) ...huh? no... wait a second... oh dear god. I got the presents mixed up. I've sent the chocolates to my girlfriend... and the FLOWERS to my MOTHER! OH JESUS CHRIST!! THIS ISN'T HAPPENING!! -I don't know... it kind of sounds like it's only really a problem if you make it a problem... (Later) *POW* -DON'T OPEN IT! -AAGHKK*It's a better attempt at postmodernism than it is at perspective.

BRUNETTE: BITCH! *SMAK* BLONDE: WHORE! BRUNETTE: Ungh! *SMASH* *WHACK WHACK WHACK* GUY: This is SO hot. *STOMP STOMP burble*This would be so much better if I'd spent some time on it, but as it is I scribbled it out last thing before going to bed one night. I was tired. This is why miss full-time education; I used to have more spare time than I knew what to do with. I'd have drawn the hell out of this thing back then. Possibly.

fairly hot warrior?Okay, there isn't really a joke with this one. It is about the closest thing I can draw to an attractive woman, though, which might count.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Ripping off punchlines from 3rd Rock From The Sun, only in real life

MANAGER: You know, you could be a doctor with your handwriting. ME: Well, I'll take that as a compliment. MANAGER: No... ME: You're too late, I've taken it as a compliment.I'm not proud of this, but damningly, I'm not ashamed of it either.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Summer activities

-Tommy, do you know the meaning of the word 'jingoism'? -No. -'Militaristic'? -No. -'Fascist'? -No. -Welcome to the Boy Scouts!
Meanwhile, across the pond...
-Tommie, do you know the meaning of the word 'chauvinism'? -No. -'Jailbait'? -No. -'Institutionalised pornography'? -No. -Welcome to the cheerleading squad!(See? That's the sort of searing social commentary you can expect from this not-really-a-blog.)