Sunday, December 31, 2006

Last images this side of THE FUTURE

Roman beef armApiary, nothing. You told me to draw a beef arm. Now where's my money?
Not so tough NOW!I don't even want to know the story behind this one.
Intersports Playoffs QUARTER FINAL: Boxing vs. ArcheryYou maybe can't tell, but the archer did win in the end.

Sunday, December 17, 2006

Oozagtaergeht. OOZAGTAERGEHT!

-But how can we 'follow' the signs if they're not moving? Hmm? -Jesus, Galactotron, it's like you're TRYING to piss me off.Oh, come on, kid, like you'd be any more adept speaking his language.

Friday, December 15, 2006

A question of zoning

-Morning! -I'm sorry, but what the HELL are you doing? -Well, we thought we'd take a stroll seeing as it's so mild for the time of -That's NOT what I meant. This isn't the COUNTRYSIDE. We're in a PARK. You only say hello in the COUNTRY! That's right, just keep walking! Pretend I'm not here! Ignore me and maybe I'll leave you alone! That's right! I'm going to TEACH you how we do things! ...You're getting the hang of it!If you get it after the fifth panel, don't feel obliged to keep reading.

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Red Phoenix Down

-Say, maybe we should fetch Stevo. He hasn't been to lectures in ages. -I'll go. (DING DONG) -Oh, hey, Stevo. Uh, you coming to this lecture? -Umm... it has been a while. Are you sure? -Quite sure. you gonna learn anything if you don't show up, dude? -Learn? LEARN? I've been teaching myself. Teaching myself... to kill! Soon the signs will be aligned, and then they will learn to FEAR MY NAME. A THIRD AGE IS UPON US. -He wasn't in. Let's go.I'm always disappointed with the results when I expend some effort on something. I think this would just about have been worth scribbling out in pencil, but what you see strikes me as a bit excessive. By the second or third time you draw something out it completely loses its spontaneity, which I suppose is a part of it.-There comes a point for all of us when you have to accept that chem eng has RUINED YOUR LIFE... -uh... James... -...IN THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY.Now this, this was scrawled hastily on some lined paper. I digitally erased the lines, shuffled things around a bit, and bam! This is the one that got in the magazine. There's a lesson here for us all, I imagine.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Burning autumn leaves

BLOND GUY: Speaking of confessions, once I left a big scratch on another car in Brighton, and just drove off without leaving a note. I feel so guilty thinking about it!! OTHER GUY: (THINKS: I could tell them about the time <DELETED>... that'd get a laugh. GIRL: I was supposed to look after my neighbour's OTHER GUY: (THINKS: Nobody knows. Why should anyone find out now? I'll never tell anyone, that's what I'll do. And then in sixty years or so I'll die. And the secret will be safe forever. Just as if it never happened...)I seem to be returning to a theme. Unfortunately I am unable to articulate it properly, which is possibly the reason for my repeated hamfisted attempts.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Don't let the grass grow

Hour 1: comedy hour! ('a *rollercoaster will pull the punters in like THAT!' Heh.) Hour 2: Not-so-good comedy. (There's a proper time for Lovejoy parodies. And it's 15 years ago.) Hour 3: sing-a-long-a-classics... (who kinda looked like Jimmy Carr/ Thy sucked out my internal organs and they took some polaroids/ and said) Hour 4: DISCO SPECTACULAR (kondo ga shitesu atsumareba/ hoshi ni naro itsoku to the sky/ darette toberu no sa/ yozura) Hour 5: TRANCE (Niemand wollte schlagerstars. Lagerstar!) (Why? When will it end?) Hour 6: requiem. (Dear Satan, I've averaged less than 25mph.)Sorry about the godawful quality of the above, but I'm recovering from quite a long car journey. If you can figure out everything I was listening to, I'm impressed. But you still don't win anything.

After journey, attendance of gig!The Roads: Arockalyp... uh, Rock-pocalypse

Friday, November 10, 2006

Mr Stevens (for it is he)

These are some pictures from a story I wrote a couple of years back.Mr StevensThey become a doorMr Stevens & the mirrorFirst one todayWhat? No, you can't read it. This is for pictures. See, it says at the top.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

From the vaults

I'm too indolent to draw anything at the moment, so here are a couple from my archives, previously considered too rubbish to merit publication.Actually, Doktor Lazarus is better. Also, the squiggle is a face. Really! Squint! Squint harder! Shade in one side of it!I'm always on the lookout for good surnames for mad scientists. But what could the squiggle be on the left?
But I thought you said you wanted to get a Popeye doll?Erm... yes.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Adventures in the imdbiverse

Although at times well-observed, the film suffers from a lack of focus - it is often unclear what exactly is being satirised. A missed opportunity. (OMFG THIS MOVIE SUCKED! WHAT WAS THE POINT?? ANYONE WHO LIKED THIS IS A RETARD!) At its heart, it is a film about being human, and as such we can all relate to it. The occasional clumsy joke aside, I would recommend it to anyone with a sense of humour. (ZOMFGZ IF THIS IS TOO COMPLEX FOR YOU GO BACK TO WATCHING 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS, OR DUDE, WHERE'S MY CAR -- YOUR FAVOURITES! ASSTARD.)The imdb forums make me sad to be human.

Meanwhile, in a nondescript office on a business park perhaps near you:

THAT ONE GUY in 'Still kickin' it oldschool' -Something's different about you, Carol. Did you lose a load of weight? -I've had my hair done. -Oh, yeah, you're right. Silly me. You haven't lost any weight at all. -Do you like it? -It's good. Much better than what it used to look like. -Are you trying to undermine my self-esteem again? -No, really. You look okay. I'd rate you about a six. -Really? Out of how many? -I don't know. I'm not sure how many I can drink without passing out.(Today's unifying theme is "office-style computer desks".)

Saturday, October 28, 2006

I need this on my desk by five

(FOXHOUND HQ) COLONEL: Team, business is slow! But this new counterterrorism product could be our ace-in-the-hole. NAOMI: Snake, it's a tough sell. But these salesmanship nanomachines are your ace-in-the-hole. NASTASHA: mnumnuh ace-in-the-hole nnumnuh MEI LING: Hi, Snake! Caffeine is my ace-in-the-hole where stress is concerned! Ha ha! SNAKE: Hey, Otacon. Did you ever hear of something for the first time, and then you keep hearing it lots of times, even though it isn't new? OTACON: No, not really. (Later...) MEI LING: Have you ever heard something you never heard of before, and then you keep hearing of it? OTACON: Why yes, Mei Ling. Yes I have.This happened to me with, for example, William Shatner's version of Rocket Man. I'm not going to explain any more because it could take the rest of our lives.

In other news, I think we've found our Oh Dae-Su.
Marco Pierre White as Oh Dae-Su (photo)Can 15 years of mental training be put into use?
Marco Pierre White as Oh Dae-Su (drawing)Yes, it can.

(Note to self: It is Marco Pierre White, and he has done nothing whatsoever to deserve such treatment.)

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Default settings

Hugglebot v2.0 will hug you TO PIECES"Yeah, so like 9 times out of 10 it boots up fine, but then every so often it goes into this genocidal...
"No, no, that was the first thing I checked.
"No, I don't like to go into the registry, I heard you can really screw it up that way?
"It's not that big a problem but it seems to be happening more often these days, uh. Do you think it could be some sort of, I dunno, software incompatibility, or... uh...
"Well, I just don't want to have to get a new one. It's stupid that it should just go wrong because it's a couple years old. I think I'll try uninstalling the A.I. and then reinstalling it.
"Well, maybe I'll send it over and YOU can look at it? I'm not MADE of money, you know. Goodbye."

Saturday, October 21, 2006

An insensitive portrayal of mental anguish

even when I'm with other people... I'm alone
even when I'm alone I'm with other people
In other news, this alarmed me significantly.
Fear me, you lords and lady creatures/ I descend upon your earth from the sky!/ I command your very souls, you unbelievers/ Bring before me what is mine!

Friday, October 20, 2006

Angry right-wing patriot

ARP sans axeWhat part of "go back to your own country" don't they understand? he's thinking. Probably all of it.

Angry right-wing patriot is quite intimidating and difficult to stop; indeed, this axe in the head only seemed to make him angrier. His shouted threats merged into an incoherent feral bellow as he advanced menacingly. Things were looking grim!
ARP with axeDon't worry, he dropped like a few seconds later.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Katamari, do your best!

#na naah na na na nana nah nah#Picnic kibun, feel so good!

What's that? You enjoyed the gaming reference, but were concerned that it all made altogether too much sense? Very well, I shall see what I can do. Analyse your way out of this.
TEACHER: Look well, girls, for this is how you shall know the sexual predator. Observe the outlandish dress and prehensile tail. PUPIL: But Ms. Crabappletree; Kuja, whilst of the same species, showed next to no evidence of sexual longing. TEACHER: SPOILERS!I'm not saying that sex education is like this, or indeed ever has been. I'm just saying that should it ever become like this, questions need to start being asked in very high places.

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Talking hotel reservation blues

*RING* ME: (THINKS: Dammit!) *RING* ME: Hello? RECEPTIONIST: Is this James Typographical Error? Hi, sorry to disturb you. This is the Premier Travel Lodge. I just need to check your details so I can get this whole thing sorted. ME: Okay. RECEPTIONIST: Could you confirm your address for me? Okay. And you're happy for us to cancel the booking? ME: Um, what? No, I... I'm still coming to the hotel. RECEPTIONIST: You DON'T want to cancel it? But when I called earlier, you said I had the wrong number. ME: ... (THINKS: 'But when I called earlier, you said I had the wrong number.' 'But when I called earlier, you said I had the wrong number.' 'But when I called earlier, you said I had the wrong number.')I was going to scan this in colour, like that other one, but it didn't work so well this time. So I present it in standard, dowdy greyscale. This all happened, but I have taken some artistic licence. I would never answer my phone in the car, even if the traffic was as slow as it was.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Bleak snippets

More recycled drawings, I'm afraid. I do intend to draw something new at some point, possibly documenting the truly bizarre conversation I experienced last week. But enough talk. Have at you!

FATHER: So I don't know why she left us. It's weird, eh? Just getting excited about Christmas one minute and then she disappears; a real let down, eh? DAUGHTER: Yeah. I really hate her. FATHER: Now, hate is a strong word. Don't forget that. But yes, I'd say I do hate your mother.This is copied from a thing on the cookdandbombd forums about overhearing bleak conversations. But then, if you think about it, it was originally copied from real life. Real life belongs to everybody, sort of.

WIFE: How was your day? FOOTBALLER: I got a red card again. How was your day? WIFE: I got a red cardigan.Puns have the capacity to be every bit as depressing as the failed lives of real people. Oh when will there be an end to the puns?

Friday, September 22, 2006

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Death to the oppressors!Festival!
Go on, try and tell me either of these wouldn't look fantastic on a T-shirt. You can't do it. The words just won't form in your mouth.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I don't care how wrong I am; this is my forum

ME: if you can just sign here, then we're all set. MANAGER: Thanks. Can I just say something? Are you aware that you've not once made eye contact with me? ME: Hm... well, I don't tend to make much eye contact. MANAGER: I'm not being funny, but eye contact is very important in business. It doesn't bother ME, but you should be aware that people will judge you on it. It's something you should work on. ME: Taken on board! Thanks, here's your copy. By the way, can I just say something? I'm not sure if you were aware of it, but what you just did there was INCREDIBLY rude. I can deal with it, but you should bear in mind that if you show a complete lack of tact and social grace, even in a business situation, people will think less of you. Just FYI.Of course I didn't really; no, I just went home and took it out on my The Cheat. It's sad to think how many households must bear witness to the same sad scenario: a man goes to work, he has his personal habits questioned by strangers, he drinks himself into a stupor (this step optional), comes home, kicks The Cheat and crawls into bed. When will these poor The Cheats be saved from the unholy spectre of domestic violence? I'll tell you when. When people stop fixating on the overrated irrelevancy of eye contact, that's when. My eye contact is strictly rationed. The eyes are the windows to the soul, and I can't afford the risk of people figuring out the horrific truth.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The long-dead knights have their own table

BLAIR VS BROWN: ATTEMPT #45 'Oh, who will rid me of this turbulent Chancellor?'This has been topical for years, but it might stop soon. So I'd better post it.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Stream of unconsciousness

Ladies and gentlemen, in order to demonstrate why I don't put stuff up on the internet very often, I invite you to spend a week inside my head. There follows a relatively unedited presentation of all the stuff I saw fit to draw on my hotel notepaper during one week on the road.

Monday, and what better way to start the week than with a godawful pun and a joke that maybe one person in the entire universe might get? NORFOLK INN: vacancies PROPRIETOR: Well, I just don't GET IT.Sharky's The Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not get cat.There was also a horoscope reading:

I'm getting sick of your antics. If
you don't STOP IT, I'm coming over
there to sort you out MYSELF.
for more, dial 0-500-123-STARS

is a day for controversial slogans and apocalyptic vision. You may think this T-shirt is inappropriate, but I think you can FUCK OFFSPEEDING: REALLY don't! 'I still think we should put them where his HEAD landed.'The iPredictor™ riots of 2037See, the iPredictor is this thing what can predict anything. In the future. And this causes riots. Somehow. Note how a skilled artisan can subtly create the impression of a crowd, making it look like he spent more effort than he really did? You'll admit it's uncanny.

Wednesday was a day of consumer paranoia, coupled with the shocking revelation that when nobody's watching, I really don't bother to draw hands properly.Such a poisoned chalice... I can't possibly allow my purchasing habits to be made available to the all-seeing computers. We leave patterns in everything we do. We *weave* patterns. Try as I might to buy like a normal person, some subconscious quirk in my shopping list is bound to slip through. It's a risk I can't afford to take. I have to keep a low profile. From now on I'm buying with cash.
Thursday seemed to continue this theme, in a half-hearted pastiche of The Running Man...
-I can make it! -Chico! Nooo! (Trolley deactivation perimiter) LOCK! *SCREE* *WHUMP* -AIIIIIE!
BarrisSee, if I'm going to see a film based on a book that I would one day like to have read, I like to make the effort to acquire and read that book before the film comes out. That way I can sit in the cinema going "ohh, they changed that bit!" with the other proper fans. Anyway, it's good, because that way I can picture the characters in my own way, even if as in this case they just end up looking like people I used to live next door to and couldn't stand.

Friday... oh, all right, I actually just drew this now. I did think of it that week, though.
-IT OKAY, ME HAD ENOUGH FOR NOW -You've CHANGED, Cookie Monster.Damn that cookie hypocrite.

And that's why I keep a lot of stuff to myself: because it isn't funny and doesn't even make any sense. But then, you knew that already. Good day to you!

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Petrol station blues

What's this? Actual new material? A cartoon actually drawn now, right now, specifically to post here? Done as best as I can, and it's still pretty much illegible? You'd better believe it.

CASHIER: Pump 3... that's £34.23, sir. GUY: It should be £34.22. CASHIER: Um... I'm sorry, but it's definitely £34.23, sir. GUY: It must have gone up after I left. CASHIER: ...That's really not possible. GUY: I mean I'm not being funny but you've put the price up. CASHIER: Could you please enter your PIN? GUY: You won't change it back? CASHIER: It was always this price! GUY: I mean, I'll pay it, but it seems a bit fishy. CASHIER: Look, why would we want ONE EXTRA PENNY off you? THANK you! Good bye. ME: (THINKS: Jeez, what an obnoxious moron! People like that shouldn't be allowed to shop. Or, you know, drive. Probably.) Just this, please. CASHIER: £14.99. ME: Here. Heh. Seems ridiculous, really. To fuss so much over a penny. CASHIER: Yeah, well, the pennies add up.What's the golden rule? Well, if you're me, the golden rule is never make eye contact with or speak to cashiers. The one time I forget the golden rule, what happens? This, that's what. Last time I forget the golden rule, you can be sure of that.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006


I don't suffer from this particular condition, although I do find that I perceive things that I see as colours and shapes. Additionally, I hear in sounds. Weird, eh?

Jad Fair & Daniel Johnston - Sweet Loafed

-Daddy? -Yes, son? -Who is the father of all lies? -SATAN! SATAN! SATAN! -LAKE OF FIRE! LAKE OF FIRE!It should be "author of all lies". Whoops.

They Might Be Giants - Spiraling ShapePut out your hands and you fall through the window and clawing at nothing you drop through the void/ Your terrified screams are inaudible drowned in the spiral ahead and consumed in the shapeIt should be "Spiralling Shape". I reckon. (By the way, this is what I think of when I see the loading screen at the start of Day of the Tentacle. That's important; remember it.)