Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Bleak snippets

More recycled drawings, I'm afraid. I do intend to draw something new at some point, possibly documenting the truly bizarre conversation I experienced last week. But enough talk. Have at you!

FATHER: So I don't know why she left us. It's weird, eh? Just getting excited about Christmas one minute and then she disappears; a real let down, eh? DAUGHTER: Yeah. I really hate her. FATHER: Now, hate is a strong word. Don't forget that. But yes, I'd say I do hate your mother.This is copied from a thing on the cookdandbombd forums about overhearing bleak conversations. But then, if you think about it, it was originally copied from real life. Real life belongs to everybody, sort of.

WIFE: How was your day? FOOTBALLER: I got a red card again. How was your day? WIFE: I got a red cardigan.Puns have the capacity to be every bit as depressing as the failed lives of real people. Oh when will there be an end to the puns?

Friday, September 22, 2006

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Death to the oppressors!Festival!
Go on, try and tell me either of these wouldn't look fantastic on a T-shirt. You can't do it. The words just won't form in your mouth.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I don't care how wrong I am; this is my forum

ME: if you can just sign here, then we're all set. MANAGER: Thanks. Can I just say something? Are you aware that you've not once made eye contact with me? ME: Hm... well, I don't tend to make much eye contact. MANAGER: I'm not being funny, but eye contact is very important in business. It doesn't bother ME, but you should be aware that people will judge you on it. It's something you should work on. ME: Taken on board! Thanks, here's your copy. By the way, can I just say something? I'm not sure if you were aware of it, but what you just did there was INCREDIBLY rude. I can deal with it, but you should bear in mind that if you show a complete lack of tact and social grace, even in a business situation, people will think less of you. Just FYI.Of course I didn't really; no, I just went home and took it out on my The Cheat. It's sad to think how many households must bear witness to the same sad scenario: a man goes to work, he has his personal habits questioned by strangers, he drinks himself into a stupor (this step optional), comes home, kicks The Cheat and crawls into bed. When will these poor The Cheats be saved from the unholy spectre of domestic violence? I'll tell you when. When people stop fixating on the overrated irrelevancy of eye contact, that's when. My eye contact is strictly rationed. The eyes are the windows to the soul, and I can't afford the risk of people figuring out the horrific truth.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

The long-dead knights have their own table

BLAIR VS BROWN: ATTEMPT #45 'Oh, who will rid me of this turbulent Chancellor?'This has been topical for years, but it might stop soon. So I'd better post it.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Stream of unconsciousness

Ladies and gentlemen, in order to demonstrate why I don't put stuff up on the internet very often, I invite you to spend a week inside my head. There follows a relatively unedited presentation of all the stuff I saw fit to draw on my hotel notepaper during one week on the road.

Monday, and what better way to start the week than with a godawful pun and a joke that maybe one person in the entire universe might get? NORFOLK INN: vacancies PROPRIETOR: Well, I just don't GET IT.Sharky's The Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not get cat.There was also a horoscope reading:

I'm getting sick of your antics. If
you don't STOP IT, I'm coming over
there to sort you out MYSELF.
for more, dial 0-500-123-STARS

is a day for controversial slogans and apocalyptic vision. You may think this T-shirt is inappropriate, but I think you can FUCK OFFSPEEDING: REALLY don't! 'I still think we should put them where his HEAD landed.'The iPredictor™ riots of 2037See, the iPredictor is this thing what can predict anything. In the future. And this causes riots. Somehow. Note how a skilled artisan can subtly create the impression of a crowd, making it look like he spent more effort than he really did? You'll admit it's uncanny.

Wednesday was a day of consumer paranoia, coupled with the shocking revelation that when nobody's watching, I really don't bother to draw hands properly.Such a poisoned chalice... I can't possibly allow my purchasing habits to be made available to the all-seeing computers. We leave patterns in everything we do. We *weave* patterns. Try as I might to buy like a normal person, some subconscious quirk in my shopping list is bound to slip through. It's a risk I can't afford to take. I have to keep a low profile. From now on I'm buying with cash.
Thursday seemed to continue this theme, in a half-hearted pastiche of The Running Man...
-I can make it! -Chico! Nooo! (Trolley deactivation perimiter) LOCK! *SCREE* *WHUMP* -AIIIIIE!
BarrisSee, if I'm going to see a film based on a book that I would one day like to have read, I like to make the effort to acquire and read that book before the film comes out. That way I can sit in the cinema going "ohh, they changed that bit!" with the other proper fans. Anyway, it's good, because that way I can picture the characters in my own way, even if as in this case they just end up looking like people I used to live next door to and couldn't stand.

Friday... oh, all right, I actually just drew this now. I did think of it that week, though.
-IT OKAY, ME HAD ENOUGH FOR NOW -You've CHANGED, Cookie Monster.Damn that cookie hypocrite.

And that's why I keep a lot of stuff to myself: because it isn't funny and doesn't even make any sense. But then, you knew that already. Good day to you!