Thursday, December 29, 2011

Against a drab background

The image size limits on Blogger are really getting to be a thorn in my side. Here's a hotlink to the full image on my DeviantArt account which I have for some reason.

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Kanaya: Mental breakdown.

It's getting to that point in the year when I don't seem to draw very much. Or... even less. To tide you over, here's a joke that will only make sense if you read Homestuck, and will still seem kind of trite and obvious in that case.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Nor the years condemn

GENERAL: I say, Jeremy! Good news! The Germans are ready for total unconditional surrender! JEREMY: I say, what ho! Fantastic! Join me in a drink of brandy to celebrate. Now, I was thinking, wouldn't it be especially poignant... if the Armistice agreement was signed at the eleventh hour, on the 11th day of the 11th month of the 11th year? GENERAL: Tally-ho! Indeed! ...But the 11th year passed before the Great War began. Oh, well, we'll just have to continue the senseless killing of innocent soldiers from both sides in a standoffish manner until the year 2011! JEREMY: Cheers!(This is an old one - November 1999, or thereabouts.)

Friday, November 04, 2011

No, Grover. You are the monsters.

The deleted original ending to The Monster At The End Of This Book:(The likelihood that someone has already done this joke is so great that I'm not even going to go and check.)

Friday, October 21, 2011

Monday, October 17, 2011

Don't spend it all in one place


Occasionally you would be prompted to draw anything you like, in order to start a new chain of drawings. These are some of the things I drew. None of them got a response from any other user, and were thus forgotten forever. I cannot account for why this should be.There is an angel. People are bleeding.
The man nails his hand to the table. He is pleased.
A shark is pretending to be a shark. It is an old joke.
A demonic beast confronts a helpless child. There is no hope.
The surprise birthday party will never proceed. He is dead.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Chicka-ba goom wap mace?

I've not been doing any proper drawing but have recently spent some time on Doodle Or Die. This is a web site where one person draws something, the next person tries to describe it, another person tries to draw that, and so on and so forth until somebody draws something racist (because THE INTERNET, that's why).

I felt like preserving some of my doodles for posterity (let's face it, if I don't then nobody will.) The text shows what I had been prompted to draw in each case.

The All-Seeing-Eye stares darkly at our friend, The Lone Indian, while he paddles in his canoe through the bleak and desolate sea.
Bermuda Triangle er uhhh pyramid
people line up for ass whacking
spaghetti on tshirt
Regrettable Pasta
Wizard in rainbow cloak and hat saying "Fuck that shit" (really well drawn)
Gandalf the Rainbow is rejected from a kid's pary audition
hungover harry potter can't read this stupid script anymore
harry pottor getting hit in the back of the head with a book
A daisy flower noms 2 am chilli.
A white flower enjoys a midnight snack of oatmeal
Baby satan
Newborn devil in diaper performing first incantation inside a pentagram
Pirate fail.
A blonde pirate is caught by undercover FBI agents after he tried to sell them pirated DVD movies
parp, parp, that's the sound of the police
Policeman chasing 4chan while playing a trumpet
Sorry for stealing your shirt bro, I didn't know you had that problem with your body.
Joe took off Bob's shirt, and his skin came off too!
A clueless box owl
Tofubird has a question
Zombie crying because he is all alone
Kermit the frog as a human zombie
untrustworthy looking critter
armless animal with sneaky eyes
title says it all
M. Night Shyamalan isn't even trying anymore.
guy takes another guys heart
karate guy is angry
Lazy 4chan meme
(no response was given)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

And they'll crucify you and then they'll say 'good luck'

Experiment #1: To determine the effects of smoking cannabis bought from friend of older brother. Results: It caused a sensation known colloquially as being 'high'. This EXACTLY confirms my hypothesis.This is closer to my original intention. Except for the A Softer World vibe; I'm not quite sure where that came from.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Guest post: something about pans?

My friend David recently completed an intensive 4-week TEFL course. He passed the course, but unfortunately in the process his mind went. The tragic consequences are shown here below.

1/ this man's head is______ a) climb? b) excitement? c) bird?-look at the picture and answer the questions below. a) What is his memory? b) Can he see you or members of your family? c) if not, when will it leave?Q1 - What killed the fox? Answer: his selfa) how many rope? b) when ought he to climbed? c) when will the animals?-if she is drunk? answer: adverbs

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Largley untranscribable

THe futuRE stARts witH youIn the absence of anything more substantial, here is a doodle from a recent meeting. It is Doug Rattmann, from the annoyingly-retconned story of Portal.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I'd buy that for a dollar

At the board meeting... (yammer yammer business business) (SMASH) (grrr) EXECUTIVE: Gasp! It's Robocop! ANOTHER EXECUTIVE: And he's brought evidence implicating Vice-President Dick Jones in the criminal conspiracy! DICK JONES: Curse you, Robocop, with your robotic crime-fighting abilities! But I'm not beaten yet! I'm taking the old man hostage! Now get me a helicopter... or else! ROBOCOP: ++ERROR: I CANNOT ACT AGAINST AN EXECUTIVE OF OMNI CONSUMER PRODUCTS++ PRESIDENT: Dick... you're FIRED!! ROBOCOP: ++GOOD THINKING, MR PRESIDENT++ ++NOW WE JUST HAVE TO WAIT OUT THE FOUR WEEK NOTICE PERIOD++Once an artist has mastered the forms of their chosen medium, he or she becomes free to subvert them by producing work that, viewed out of context, would appear objectively to fail on a technical level. It's just a shame I haven't reached that point, because it'd make it a lot easier to get away with stuff like this.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

No-one knows these things but me and him

SUIT: Mr Dennisham. I know you're not thrilled by the idea of selling. But I believe... [writing] ...we can make a very tempting offer. DENNISHAM: Two hundred and eighty thousand? SUIT: ...Yes. DENNISHAM: Why didn't you just *say* it?I want to discredit this trope. Is it really just me? Nobody does this.

Saturday, July 02, 2011

Beiherhund das oder die Flipperwaldt gersput

Kolonel Hans Landa: Legendärer Menschjäger. -Herr Standartenführer, wir haben das Zimmer gründlich gesucht. Wir können keine Juden finden! -Hmm. Habt ihr... unter den Boden gesucht?? -.....neeeiiiinnnn...? -Es... es ist doch die EINZIGE Schlupfwinkel im Haus. Wo habt ihr gesucht?? -In dem Faß, under dem Tisch, und nochmal in dem Faß. Später: -Glückwünsche, Standartenführer Landa! -Noch ein Triumph an Intelligenz und Psychologie!Seriously, how many times had they already searched that farmhouse?

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


You wanna start something here, BONEBULGE?? IT'S ON!!To devotees of both Mr Show and MS Paint Adventures: this one's for you.

To everyone (else): please move along.

Monday, June 06, 2011

Reckless deployment of spoilers

You should probably watch the first series of The Wire before reading this. I mean, you should probably watch the first series of The Wire even if you're not going to read this (that's actually a better idea.)D'ANGELO: Yo Stringer... where's Wallace at? Where's Wallace? Where Wallace at, String?? STRINGER: Dee... D'ANGELO: LOOK AT ME! WHERE THE FUCK IS WALLACE!?
(Also, you should probably grow up in the UK, Australia, Holland, Poland, Brazil, South Africa, Portugal or Spain before having read this.)

Friday, June 03, 2011

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Not pictured: universal critical indifference

TF2 soldierI am not a morning personIt was different in the 70sThe tragic clown!Told you I'd do it and I did it too.

Normal service will resume.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Social Conventions Bob

SOCIAL CONVENTIONS BOB: Y-A-W-N ...huh? Oh no! Fire! (dials 9) Wait, what time is it? Nearly 11pm? Oh boy. Can I really ring this late? And it's a week night. They've probably got work tomorrow...FUN FACT: I was convinced I'd already uploaded this last year, but apparently not? END OF FUN FACT.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Like the exact opposite of ants

MAN 1: It still hasn't really sunk in yet. WOMAN 1: I'll just never understand why he was trying to cross here! I mean, there's zero visibility and the drivers never slow down. MAN 1: Right, I think we're clear nowOH JESUS CHRIST NO!! MAN 2: See, the tragic irony is that they were only trying to commemorate their friend who had suffered the same fate. If nothing else, at least the floral tributes will alert people to the accident black spot. WOMAN 2: Yeah. MAN 2: Now of course we need to watch out for VEHICLE: BAAAAAAAAAARP WOMAN 3: So you all know people who got run over here, too? What a coincidence. CARTOONIST: I should probably think carefully before publishing this.There's a little room for ambiguity in the comic, so I'd just like to take this opportunity to make it absolutely clear that they all died.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Zero repercussions guaranteed

Okay, then I wish I WAS allowed to wish for more wishes."At least as good as XKCD" - anonymous reviewer*
*may have been me

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Or chocolate if you're strange; it doesn't really matter

The Final Voyage of the HMS Kingsmill, 1873This work was commissioned by my friend Kieran; I therefore ask that you please direct all complaints to him.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Injuries I Have Narrowly Avoided, episode three

Venue: Leigham Court Hotel, 2006.
A rock and roll moment. Also: contains a glaring historical inaccuracy.
#comedyforum, 22/07/2006
[SolidJim] I broke a hotel TV last week.
[jmwilliams] ah ha ha ha.
[jmwilliams] mmm, go on.
[SolidJim] I said to the manager, "Sorry, I've broken the TV, but I will be happy to replace it."
[jmwilliams] you did not! goodness me.
[jmwilliams] do go on.
[SolidJim] She said, "Are you any good at decoding electromagnetic signals and displaying images?"
[jmwilliams] a likely story!
[SolidJim] That's the punchline.
[jmwilliams] but continue.
[SolidJim] That was the punchline.
[Phil_A] Did you replace the TV?