Last images this side of THE FUTURE

Apiary, nothing. You told me to draw a beef arm. Now where's my money?
I don't even want to know the story behind this one.
You maybe can't tell, but the archer did win in the end.

Oozagtaergeht. OOZAGTAERGEHT!

Oh, come on, kid, like you'd be any more adept speaking his language.

A question of zoning

If you get it after the fifth panel, don't feel obliged to keep reading.

Here I go

It's what we call a one percenter

Red Phoenix Down

I'm always disappointed with the results when I expend some effort on something. I think this would just about have been worth scribbling out in pencil, but what you see strikes me as a bit excessive. By the second or third time you draw something out it completely loses its spontaneity, which I suppose is a part of it.Now this, this was scrawled hastily on some lined paper. I digitally erased the lines, shuffled things around a bit, and bam! This is the one that got in the magazine. There's a lesson here for us all, I imagine.

Monster, monster, monster!

Burning autumn leaves

I seem to be returning to a theme. Unfortunately I am unable to articulate it properly, which is possibly the reason for my repeated hamfisted attempts.

Happiness is just around the corner

Don't let the grass grow

Sorry about the godawful quality of the above, but I'm recovering from quite a long car journey. If you can figure out everything I was listening to, I'm impressed. But you still don't win anything.

After journey, attendance of gig!

Mr Stevens (for it is he)

These are some pictures from a story I wrote a couple of years back.What? No, you can't read it. This is for pictures. See, it says at the top.

From the vaults

I'm too indolent to draw anything at the moment, so here are a couple from my archives, previously considered too rubbish to merit publication.I'm always on the lookout for good surnames for mad scientists. But what could the squiggle be on the left?
Erm... yes.

Too much to do in one lifetime

Adventures in the imdbiverse

The imdb forums make me sad to be human.

Meanwhile, in a nondescript office on a business park perhaps near you:

(Today's unifying theme is "office-style computer desks".)

I need this on my desk by five

This happened to me with, for example, William Shatner's version of Rocket Man. I'm not going to explain any more because it could take the rest of our lives.

In other news, I think we've found our Oh Dae-Su.
Can 15 years of mental training be put into use?

Yes, it can.

(Note to self: It is Marco Pierre White, and he has done nothing whatsoever to deserve such treatment.)

Default settings

"Yeah, so like 9 times out of 10 it boots up fine, but then every so often it goes into this genocidal...
"No, no, that was the first thing I checked.
"Well...
"No, I don't like to go into the registry, I heard you can really screw it up that way?
"It's not that big a problem but it seems to be happening more often these days, uh. Do you think it could be some sort of, I dunno, software incompatibility, or... uh...
"Well, I just don't want to have to get a new one. It's stupid that it should just go wrong because it's a couple years old. I think I'll try uninstalling the A.I. and then reinstalling it.
"Well, maybe I'll send it over and YOU can look at it? I'm not MADE of money, you know. Goodbye."

An insensitive portrayal of mental anguish

Corollary:

In other news, this alarmed me significantly.

Angry right-wing patriot

What part of "go back to your own country" don't they understand? he's thinking. Probably all of it.

Angry right-wing patriot is quite intimidating and difficult to stop; indeed, this axe in the head only seemed to make him angrier. His shouted threats merged into an incoherent feral bellow as he advanced menacingly. Things were looking grim!
Don't worry, he dropped like a few seconds later.

Party party and power to the people

Katamari, do your best!

Picnic kibun, feel so good!

What's that? You enjoyed the gaming reference, but were concerned that it all made altogether too much sense? Very well, I shall see what I can do. Analyse your way out of this.
I'm not saying that sex education is like this, or indeed ever has been. I'm just saying that should it ever become like this, questions need to start being asked in very high places.

Jealously guarding my wrong pub quiz answers

Talking hotel reservation blues

I was going to scan this in colour, like that other one, but it didn't work so well this time. So I present it in standard, dowdy greyscale. This all happened, but I have taken some artistic licence. I would never answer my phone in the car, even if the traffic was as slow as it was.

Bleak snippets

More recycled drawings, I'm afraid. I do intend to draw something new at some point, possibly documenting the truly bizarre conversation I experienced last week. But enough talk. Have at you!

This is copied from a thing on the cookdandbombd forums about overhearing bleak conversations. But then, if you think about it, it was originally copied from real life. Real life belongs to everybody, sort of.

Puns have the capacity to be every bit as depressing as the failed lives of real people. Oh when will there be an end to the puns?

I see a darkness

Iconography

Go on, try and tell me either of these wouldn't look fantastic on a T-shirt. You can't do it. The words just won't form in your mouth.

I don't care how wrong I am; this is my forum

Of course I didn't really; no, I just went home and took it out on my The Cheat. It's sad to think how many households must bear witness to the same sad scenario: a man goes to work, he has his personal habits questioned by strangers, he drinks himself into a stupor (this step optional), comes home, kicks The Cheat and crawls into bed. When will these poor The Cheats be saved from the unholy spectre of domestic violence? I'll tell you when. When people stop fixating on the overrated irrelevancy of eye contact, that's when. My eye contact is strictly rationed. The eyes are the windows to the soul, and I can't afford the risk of people figuring out the horrific truth.

The long-dead knights have their own table

This has been topical for years, but it might stop soon. So I'd better post it.

Stream of unconsciousness

Ladies and gentlemen, in order to demonstrate why I don't put stuff up on the internet very often, I invite you to spend a week inside my head. There follows a relatively unedited presentation of all the stuff I saw fit to draw on my hotel notepaper during one week on the road.

Monday, and what better way to start the week than with a godawful pun and a joke that maybe one person in the entire universe might get? There was also a horoscope reading:

PISCES
I'm getting sick of your antics. If
you don't STOP IT, I'm coming over
there to sort you out MYSELF.
for more, dial 0-500-123-STARS

Tuesday is a day for controversial slogans and apocalyptic vision. See, the iPredictor is this thing what can predict anything. In the future. And this causes riots. Somehow. Note how a skilled artisan can subtly create the impression of a crowd, making it look like he spent more effort than he really did? You'll admit it's uncanny.

Wednesday was a day of consumer paranoia, coupled with the shocking revelation that when nobody's watching, I really don't bother to draw hands properly.
Thursday seemed to continue this theme, in a half-hearted pastiche of The Running Man...

See, if I'm going to see a film based on a book that I would one day like to have read, I like to make the effort to acquire and read that book before the film comes out. That way I can sit in the cinema going "ohh, they changed that bit!" with the other proper fans. Anyway, it's good, because that way I can picture the characters in my own way, even if as in this case they just end up looking like people I used to live next door to and couldn't stand.

Friday... oh, all right, I actually just drew this now. I did think of it that week, though.
Damn that cookie hypocrite.

And that's why I keep a lot of stuff to myself: because it isn't funny and doesn't even make any sense. But then, you knew that already. Good day to you!